Weaving in the month of May

I’M BAAAACCCCCKKKKK!!!!

I have wanted to write something for a very long time but a few things got in the way:

  • Cancer
  • chemotherapy
  • tiredness
  • procrastinating
  • crying
  • eating
  • drinking- more on this later!
  • sleep
  • very sad news
  • Love ❤️
  • train rides
  • Taylor Swift and co.
  • Theatre!- I’ve become an addict! I want to see as many theatre shows as I can! I saw Moulin Rogue and am now obsessed.

Plus many more that I can’t remember or just don’t really care to remember. When I initially started writing this, I thought about neat little headers and discussing different things about my journey in nice little categories. Then I remembered how chaotic everything in my life is right now and I thought it would be much easier to use this as a journal. So now it’s a diary of the most random thoughts that will have something to do with cancer and everything to do with me.

So the end of the year was a bit shit. Got told all the treatments I was doing wasn’t working and that this sudden change of treatment was my last resort. I UGLY CRIED FOR DAYS. Then I told my family and cried again. Started the new treatment and felt…meh. I had finally found a treatment that didn’t make me lose my appetite and gave me space to breathe a little with the side effects. It’s every two weeks, for 2 and a bit days and it’s done intravenously.

Back to ugly crying (I have to pack 5 months into this blog), it was terrifying but I’m glad the doctor told me directly what was happening. I like to be told straight with no chaser. So after they changed my treatment, the tumors stabalised and everything was great! I was in NZ when I got the news and the oncologist said

“If you have a bottle of champagne nearby, I suggest you open it.”

Sure enough, my Aunty had one in her bedroom. We have a picture of us sipping champers and having the best time!

Going back to NZ was a relief. I needed to leave Melbourne. I broke up with my boyfriend, moved into my house, got promoted, my cousin got married and I started a new treatment. I was EXHAUSTED. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve recovered. I’m slowly getting better.

NZ was this magical time when I forgot how lush Auckland was and I ate pies. Also saw a lot of people and ate as much food as I could. It was so good to talk and laugh with l my siblings and start planning my mums 60th. And I got to go back to church! I genuinely felt like I was going back to my 2nd home going back to church. I was baptised and raised in the church. It’s was so nice to see all the parishioners again.

At the same time, I reconnected with friends I haven’t seen in years and built family connections that I didn’t think could be built. Cancer is a crazy thing in that it brings out the absolute worse in you and creates little nuggets of joy that make this journey more bearable. I also ate as much as I could. There is no such thing as 3 meals a day. It’s 3 meals + snacks + a meal before bed, when you feel like something at 2am and a light snack before breakfast. Uber eats has created a Frankenstein that thrives on convenience.

I learnt I’ve outgrown Auckland but my heart beats for the life I had. I miss the quietness and simplicity. Do I want it? No but I enjoy the nostalgic feeling that comes with remembering how much fun we had and they still have.

I come back home to normality and slowly pick myself up from what was a tumultuous beginning to 2022. Changing treatment in the hopes that this will stabilise the tumours and hoping that this time we’re looking at remission. My hopes stay focused on creating normality and whatever that looks like. I’m still adjusting to having a house. It is a beautiful home and it’s mine.

As you can imagine, I’m skipping a shitload of details but know this much- I crammed a lot into the beginning of 2022.

At this stage, the most important detail is this- I went to one of my regular check ups before chemotherapy. It was nothing special besides the fact that there was a nagging feeling to ask a stupid question. I thought it was stupid because I thought I knew what the answer was.

Me: “What’s the point of this treatment? Is the goal of the chemotherapy treatment to go into remission?”

Doctor: “No. At this point, there’s no chance of remission. “

You see, I thought the answer was yes. Of course, we’re planning on curing you. This treatment is going to shrink the bugger and then it’ll piss off.

I ugly cried for what felt like forever. I felt dehydrated after leaving his office. He promised he would help me sort out my life insurance and all the other paperwork I needed to do. I have gone from feeling optimistic about my future and grateful for a life saving operation to figuring out how best to live out my now shortened life span.

The past few weeks have been a blur and to be honest, I’m writing this blog as I probably won’t remember most of it. I spoke to my family and very close friends. Just a handful as it’s exhausting talking to them, I can’t imagine keeping everyone updated. I’m still scared, terrified. I don’t know how long I have, I’ve applied for my life insurance and going to ask about my super. Plan my travel list and cry. I’ll eat as much a I can and excercise and cry. I’ll work, catch the train, learn to drive and cry. Eat cake, drink wine and, you guessed it, cry.

When I first was told about the remission stuff, the first question I asked was:

‘Can I drink now?’

Doctor: ‘Akosita (that’s my legal name), if you see a drink that tickles your fancy, you get that drink and enjoy it!’

Now I have to enjoy those cocktails and wine and shots of vodka. It’s doctors order

Now I have all that done, I can now write about everything else that’s happening. Let the writing begin…

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