Jumping into June!

I feel like I am having too much fun with my titles. But oh well! It’s a laugh!

I wish I could take a picture of my radiotherapy room. I might ask tomorrow if I can. The only reason why is because I feel like if Daft Punk were Oncologists- this is what their hospital would look like. Like, chemo would given to you in coloured light beams and the rate would be some techno- African beat that would vary depending on how dazed you were. Radiotherapy beams would be technicolour and the voice speaking to you would be the robotic singer that sounds like someone was mucking around with the volume control. It would be epic! And you’d leave with such a headache but you’d feel exhilarated from the experience. And all the doctors and nurse would be in space outfits, moving on hovercrafts. They can’t walk because you don’t walk in outer space. You hover. Maybe their best kept in my imagination. I told one of the radiologists today. If they play a daft punk song tomorrow, I’m going to be the happiest person ever! However, it’ll be impossible to stay still and you need to be very still for radiotherapy.

They played daft punk at radiotherapy today. It was amazing! I felt it was the most appropriate type of music for the setting. I should ask if can take a picture, then you’d be like- yeah I can see it too. Work was crazy! Mainly because I couldn’t sleep at all last night. I was hot, bothered and was constantly thinking “You need to sleep.” But couldn’t sleep at all. So two strong coffees, chocolate and a fizzy drink later, I literally sleep ate my dinner. I couldn’t keep my eyes open but I was so hungry. My mum tried to talk to me but she got mumblings. Not the most riveting conversation. The train ride was so nice. I think I (quietly) snored a couple of times. I hope it was quiet. Thank God for headphones.

This week was very colourful. Colourful in the sense that everyday, I responded to radiotherapy differently. Like on Monday, I was really nauseous and had bad diarrhoea. Tuesday was pain, Wednesday was a mixture of both nights and Thursday I was OK, until I couldn’t sleep at all. Friday was OK. Partly because I took a sleeping tablet and had done a bit of excercise by then. I think my body copes better with life when I excercise. I become a better person. I carry a lot of fear that I feel is released when I’m on the bike. If there’s one thing that’s been my constant companion this week it pain. Not constant pain but the flare ups. Flare ups are weird because the come like one big tidal wave. It reaches a point of heightened pain whe sometimes the pain relief and heat pack can’t ease it. So you breathe and lie there, waiting for it to subside. It always does. It feels like it takes a good 20 minutes but I bet you if I time it, it’s probably closer to 5.

So for the last 3 days I’ve had a really bad head cold. Like, all I wanted to do was sleep. I feel like I’ve gained all my weight back and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Yeah, I looked sickly in my face but I like how the rest of my body looked. I’m torn and scared that my preference to looking thinner might just get me to start starving a little bit. I don’t want to be big again. I’m terrified of being that fat again. It sounds stupid considering everything I’m going through but I can’t see past it. Isn’t it weird how you can justify something so traumatising as losing your appetite for the sake of vanity? I completely lost my appetite last year. It wasn’t because I wanted to thin but because eating was exhausting and I could be fucked. Now, if I don’t eat, my stomach turns into a roaring sesame street character that gnaws at you while shaking uncontrollably. Like a hyped up elmo but hangry.

Also, having the oncologist give me a life expectancy means I’m freaking out because I don’t feel like I’m living my life the way I want to. 🙃 I want to see shows and party but I can’t right now and it sucks. It’s mainly because I don’t have the energy but I need to plan this. I was listening to this podcast about mental health called “Let’s talk about mental health” by Jeremy Godwin. What I love about him is he reminds me of my therapist- constructive, honest and clear. Now my mind has gone into freak out mode because I worry that I’ll suddenly lose all my strength and just become a human blob. Like jelly but with eyeballs. I’m scared that I’ve left everything too late and I won’t be able to do everything or I won’t be able to afford it. What if I lose the energy to work, will I then not be able to travel? Also, I keep procrastinating with my forms. I have to do them or else I’ll face a major train wreck at the end of this month and won’t be able to undo any of this.

So I’m haven’t written much these past few days because I’ve been soooo tired. But now I’m back at work and feeling alive again! Also, the hormonal therapy is working so yay! It’s crazy how when I’m at home for more than 24 hours I feel deflated. Like, everything is hard. It isn’t, I just don’t like being at home. Which is weird because I own the home but I like just being in it to sleep and have breakfast. Then I have to leave. Distance makes the heart grow fonder or maybe I just have issues with staying at home. I thought I was a home body. That’s bullshit.

Hi, my name is Carla and I’m a workaholic.

I’ve only started to accept my physical and mental shortcomings that are a result of cancer or the treatments/medication I take. I got diagnosed in 2019. It took that freaking long. I think I like not thinking about it. I like to think that one day I’ll be able to miraculously turn the page and start healing again. In my head, by staying active and continuously moving, I’m being healthy. I’m allowing my body to move and not be limited by how I’m suppose to feel and how I’m suppose to look. I don’t like being told how to live in general so trying to me medical advice (I imagine) would be quite a frustrating excercise. Or maybe they’ve dealt with patients like this, who try to defy everything, on such a regular basis that they take bets to see who succeeds and for how long. Like the Melbourne Cup but no one’s riding you. Or maybe you’re the horse and the jockey. It would make sense. I’m fucking short. Sorry, I digress.

Work is an outlet for me. I can work quite comfortably with coffee and constantly be thinking about everything to do with everybody else. I talk about so much random shit and try and make it plausible. Like it makes organised and logical sense to repeat yourself everyday. I thought it’s because I like money but it’s more because it’s a consistent distraction, mentally and physically. You can’t worry about nausea when you need to call 10 stores to find a specific product! Also, I love my team. They’re such a buzz when you’re trying to relate to a bunch of 20 year olds at one job and then vibing with people your age in te other. But the problem is that you barely go to your job with the same age people because you’re so fucking busy with the other. I’ve also decided to embrace my hermit lifestyle as I live sooooo fae away but I will get my license! I really need a car 😅 . Also, I need to get my nails fixed because they’re looking tragic too.

Lol

OK this is something that kind of worries me but I also wonder if it’s got more to do with the fact it’s winter. I’m so TIRED. Like, I can sleep for 10, 11 hours and be warm and snuggle with all 10 of my pillows (jk, I have 4 but it feels like I have a lot.) And still wake up and need a few more hours. I’m not bragging but I feel very blessed that I don’t look sick- anymore, but internally I feel so meh. I think my body is worn out by constantly getting pushed through treatment or working and not really living. If I was partying and drinking and travelling constantly in between shifts then I’d be like, maybe I should slow down…but I haven’t started that. It does worry me. Is my body giving up? Am I giving up?

I found out a close family friend’s daughter passed away and she was diagnosed with cancer not long after me. Maybe I’m feeling somewhat thrown off by that today. She lived the fullest life she could and had children. I loved her even if I just met her briefly on facetime. How courageous and brave was she! I hope her children and family know and remember that. I guess you can take comfort that she is resting. RIP.

I’m going to finish there. Love always ❤️

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