Jamming July!!

That’s a bit rough. It sounds like something your grandma would say to be cool with the teens. I didn’t take Fentanyl for 2 days- 2 days! And I felt like my whole body is going to cave in on itself. I knew it was a powerful drug, I saw it on YouTube. People get addicted to this stuff. They also get addicted to Ordine. I am starting to understand how that would be the case. I had to take a day off from work because I couldn’t cope. I had to take little Ordine to take the edge off. The best part is the pain is starting to subside! The worst part is now I have to taper off my pain meds and if last night was anything to go by- 😭🤢🤬🤬🤬. I also saw the trailer for the new Taron Edgerton movie- 😲. I’m just watching the movie to look at him. Anyway, I had to take the day off to reset my body because it’s a bit out of wack. I had a little meltdown because I couldn’t sleep. I was getting hot flushes and was agitated all night. Since I started hormonal therapy, I’ve been feeling amazing! So much calmer and more productive. Then I missed a night and wanted to burn my house down. Sometimes I wonder why I bother because some days, my quality of life is absolute bullshit. Who wants to stay alive for this? What’s the point? How do you create meaningful relationships and friendships when you can barely be fucked to leave your bedroom. I want to party and drink and dance until I can’t move anymore but you have to leave your house first.

Then I had a nap on my beloved couch and felt better.

Just had my blood test for chemotherapy on Friday. All back to normal! It’s always funny when they take my blood. They take 3 little tunes and I sit there thinking I have no blood left in my body. How will I fill my body with more blood! Will I need a blood transfusion? Does that mean I’m a genetically modified zombie? I had a coffee, savoury muffin and those muffin looking things made from almond flour. I can’t remember the name. It was lovely! We went and picked up my prescription. I’ve got my patches. It’s always funny when I talk about patches, I automatically think of nicotine patches to quit smoking. 😂 I’d like to think I’m quitting cancer but in a way, I’m staying in denial. If I don’t feel anything- do I have anything? Then I go to bed thinking about the last time I genuinely didn’t need to take anything or go to any treatments or worry about how fulfilling my life was. I just lived. I assumed I’d live until an old age, have 2 surprise babies and either be married or in a long term relationship. I worked insane hours and had drinks with friends. I had plans to travel (I still do) and create some amazing memories with a gazillion photos! Let’s see what July has to bring.

My little cousin is here!!! She’s with me until the 6th of July then we fly back to NZ together. I’m looking forward to just hanging out and spending time with her. She won the Aussie open for Lawn bowls! She’s so talented. It’s crazy to think you see this person grow into a human and then not only do they do well- they flourish! She’s such a humble person too. Very thoughtful and understated with her words. Also, hilarious.

So I have to quickly touch base on how I’m feeling. I’m fucking tired, like exhausted. It’s all types of exhausted. I’m very determined to live my life despite how bad the side effects can be. I want to make up for lost time because honestly, my 20s was wasted on being anxious, thinking I can always do it later (you never fucking can) and helping to pay bills. I wish I had at least spent 2 good years travelling the world. I can do that now but it’s always going to feel tainted somewhat.

I’ve been in NZ since last Friday and it’s been fun and emotional all at the same time. I helped organise my mums 60th and it went great! Well, at least that’s how I felt. There was one little glitch but I will learn to let go of that one- eventually. It was hilarious because we were suppose to have a band but that fell through and we ended up with a DJ, DJ Low. He was incredible! The music was great and the venue was everything I dreamed of it being. It’s insane because while I was celebrating my mums birthday, I was imagining what my 50th would be like. The venue, food and drink, decorations and music was exactly how I would want my big birthday to be. The night was full of joy, laughter, bad dancing and lots of hugs. Booze was free for 2 hours so everyone got as much booze as they could during it. It made sense. The other good thing was the service. They were so helpful and efficient. Everything went so smoothly and when it came time to pack everything, they helped us with that too! For me, it was my mum’s celebration and it was my party. To know that if I had a milestone birthday, that this was how it would look and feel, felt comforting.

We watched Rocketman on Tuesday night. It was so beautiful and amazing! I never knew Elton John but I can definitely appreciate the journey he took to get to where he is. The whole cast were incredible! The singing and dancing, together with the acting was so well put together. The wardrobe- heaven! I want those shoes! All the shoes! I was so moved by Rocketman, I dragged my cousin and brother to the last screening of Elvis that night. Had popcorn, chocolate top ice cream and 2 glasses of pinot noir. I think the red wine made Elvis far more moving or I became more empathetic. The we had dinner a midnight at a dumpling restaurant. It turned out to be an amazing evening.

So I’m back in Melbourne, at the airport. I’m waiting for my suitcase at the carousel. Do you ever worry after a while- has my suitcase been sent to Chile by mistake?

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